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Checking In

March 3, 2012
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It’s March now. Jude is five weeks old. And even though he’s sleeping more than anything for the last couple of days (growth spurt? I dunno) I feel like we’re both sort of waking up.

Slowly, I feel us coming out of the newborn “anything goes/ survival mode” phase of life and segueing into what will eventually become our new normal. We’re getting out more, interacting more, trying to develop a fledgling schedule. Masa is heading back to work on Monday, and I fear that will really be when the real world comes knocking at (down) our door. Our lazy morning routine will morph into hectic chaotic just-get-out-the-door crazy. I have a strong suspicion we’ll be seeing the tantrum side of Gus quite a bit in the coming weeks.,

I thought this second time around would be – while not quite a *breeze* exactly – somewhat easier since I supposedly know the ropes already. Well… there’s some of that, sure, but there’s a lot of “what the hell do we do now!?!?” in there too. Still the second guessing and worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing,  or that we’ll mess him up. Even when I promised myself I’d know, this time, that all phases pass (even the good ones!) and that it goes so quickly, I find myself flirting with the edge of panic wondering if we’ll EVER sleep, go out, feel normal, sleep in the same bed, etc., again. If we’ll ever feel normal again. We’ve seen glimpses from time to time. I know it’s out there, that elusive “normal”.

Learning to integrate our family has been challenging. We expected no less. Gus loves his baby brother, but most of the time he doesn’t really pay him much attention at all. There are a lot of requests along the lines of: “can you just put him down in the bouncy chair and play with me?” It’s difficult to try to find the balance between the one who needs me on so many basic biological levels, and the one who still needs me in such a deep emotional way. My heart hurts with how much I miss my little boy sometimes, even while it sings with how much I adore this new tiny person in my arms.

There is something indescribable about having us all here though. Our little family of four, together; all present and accounted for. When I imagine our family in the years ahead – on camping trips or holidays or just doing homework at the kitchen table, I feel so contented. So settled and happy. Full. And all the sorrow I thought I’d feel at being done with childbearing, with newborns, with that entire part of my life – well it hasn’t materialized yet. I’m thankful for that. It may, someday, but for now I’m mostly just counting my blessings.  They are many.

Jude - One Month Old

My Boys

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