Parenthood and Marriage
I knew it was going to be a challenge; I was warned enough times. Everyone talks about how everything changes after you have a baby, and my general response was always “No sh*t” (at least inwardly). I also knew that even the strongest, most loving marriages are tested by the entrance of a teeny person. So I’m not exactly surprised.
My husband and I adore each other. Since Ethan has been born, John has constantly been showering me with compliments and telling me what an amazing mom I am. He is super supportive and I am incredibly grateful. But there are still tense moments, for sure. I don’t always bite my tongue when I feel like he isn’t doing things the “right” way (as if my way is actually the right way, when I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.) We both get moody and cranky thanks to the lack of sleep. I resent him for having slightly more sleep than I have. And of course, since I am tied to E by the boob and therefore cannot leave the house without him for very long, I find myself sometimes resenting my husband for getting to take off for a few hours at a time, or even go to work (though I can’t say I am ready for that yet myself).
It’s a work in progress. We still love and adore each other. He still tells me how amazing and beautiful and sexy I am, and those compliments are not lost on me. And they are sincere, which make them that much more welcome. He actually is more in love with me and attracted to me since I had his baby, and I have known women who were not so lucky.
The main problem is me. I’m not the only one who gets cranky, but I certainly do it more. I’m the one who occasionally keeps score (though I try hard not to). I’m the one who almost never feels like any sort of bedroom activity, because when my baby goes to bed all I want to do is sleep too. So what’s a new mommy to do? I try to get out when I can, which isn’t often (without E anyway). I have even had a couple of spa appointments and a hair appointment in the past 15 weeks. Today I treated myself to a Groupon for house cleaning because OH MY GOD HOW DOES ANYONE CLEAN REGULARLY AND TAKE CARE OF A BABY???? And John and I had one “date” (if you can call going to someone’s wedding a date) without the baby.
So what is the problem? I love my husband, I love my son – I would do anything to keep them both happy and healthy. The last word I would use to describe myself these days is selfish – at least with regards to my son – and yet somehow I feel like I need to put myself aside even MORE so that I can make sure I’m being a good wife, too. But right now it just feels like a very sloppy juggling act. How do people do this without dropping all the balls?
Of course, the thing that makes it all seem slightly easier…