Still Not Preggers

I’m not going to beat around the bush here.  Figured I’d provide the spoilers right up front in the title, and not make you wait with baited breath for me to get to the point.

No, I’m not pregnant.  Still.  8 cycles and 10 months down.   And that means that this cycle we are trying intrauterine insemination.  If anyone feels like sharing their experience with IUI, I would love to hear about it (particularly happy stories, if you’ve got ’em!).

We went to a wedding this past Saturday night.  It was like one of those weddings you see on reality shows – completely glitzy, hundreds upon hundreds of guests, several different extravagantly decorated rooms, loads of food, loud music, and a coat check room full of furs (seriously).   A couple hours before we left for said wedding, my period decided to arrive.  I had a feeling it was coming, since my temperature was lower than I would have liked that morning.

Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy the wedding as much as I might have otherwise.  And while you might think I should have taken advantage of the situation and gotten stinking drunk since, after all, it was allowed….I didn’t.  I had one glass of wine.  That was all I could muster.  The last thing I wanted was to be THAT sloppy drunk guest at the wedding who ends up sitting and bawling out “I WANT A BABY!!!”  Okay maybe I’ve never been to a wedding where that exact thing happened, but I’ve seen something close.

I had read too many stories online of women saying “On my first cycle of Clomid I conceived!” and “On my first cycle using Pre-Seed I conceived!” so I used both.  And didn’t conceive.   And at the risk of sounding like a pouty little brat, it’s not fair.  It’s just. not. fair.

I know I’m not alone.  And I refuse to be one of the many bitter women who hide their pregnant friends’ updates on facebook because they can’t bear to see someone else’s happiness while they struggle and struggle to achieve the same thing.  At least not yet.  But still.  It’s not fair.  I know I would be a great mom, and my husband would be a great dad.  I am so so ready for this.  I am not a religious woman, but I can’t help but wonder what the reason is for all this.  Is someone or something trying to steer us toward adopting a child in need?  Or maybe it’s just a test of our patience?  I don’t know.

I’m just tired of bursting into tears every time AF arrives.  It’s not going to stop me from trying.  Not yet.  But I’ll admit I’m getting scared that some day it will.  And then what?  Do we say to hell with it, let’s just live our lives and not take birth control and see if it happens?  Or do we look into forcing it to happen?  If the IUI doesn’t work, do we go for IVF?  Do we try multiple times?  When do we hang up the white flag and look into things like donor sperm or adoption?  I really don’t know.  And I can’t think all that stuff through yet.  As much as I like to have A Plan, I’m not ready to look at the next step yet.

So for now, the only card left in my hand is IUI.  After that, I’m looking at a big scary void of What Now??  And for now I’m just going to try not to think about that.  I suppose I should go on a bender eating soft cheese and nitrates.

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