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Not the Perfect Year

December 12, 2010

Well.  The holiday season is in full swing, and I occasionally am feeling that twinge of little-kid excitement about it.  My husband and I agreed not to exchange gifts this year, but we still got a tree, which we intend to decorate.   We rented a living tree this year, which makes us feel a bit better about the whole ritualistic slaughter of Christmas trees thing.

Anyway.  it’s only natural during this time of the year to find yourself thinking back on the year as a whole.  Normally at this time of year I am thinking back to exciting milestones of the year, or fun trips we took, or new friends we made, or even just the favorite movies and albums we ingested.  This year is a little bit different.  This time last year I was filled with optimism, because I was about to stop taking birth control pills, and we were getting ready to try to conceive.  I naively imagined we would conceive within a couple of months, which meant that by Christmas 2010, we would have a baby already.

Not so much.

Of course no one ever foresees having a fertility problem.  What kind of cynic would you have to be to anticipate that?  So I can’t exactly blame myself for getting my hopes up.  Well here we are again, December, holidays, etc.  And no baby.  No pregnancy, even.  John and I have decided to try the old-fashioned way this cycle before going back for another IUI.  And perhaps it is cynical of me but I kind of assume that means this cycle won’t be a success.  Not that it is impossible, of course.  It just seems unlikely.  Sort of like we are giving ourselves the month off.  But it means that I’m pretty sure there will be no pregnancy for me at all in 2010.

Big sigh.  Deep breath.  I can’t think of another year where I had a big huge goal that I was unable to meet.  It’s a pretty bitter feeling to end the year with, and I am going to try not to let it ruin the whole year.  We didn’t really hit any major milestones this year (we were only aiming for one, after all, and we missed it).   We didn’t go on any trips.  We did make a few new friends, which is nice.   And there were a lot of good movies and albums that came out.  But it is hard to call this year a “success” by any stretch of the imagination.

I guess I should focus, as I often try but sometimes forget to, on the good things.  The fact that I am married to my favorite person in the world.  That we made it through a tough and emotionally draining year and yet we still love each other with every fiber of our beings and there is no tension in our relationship.  Infertility has not put a strain on our marriage, but rather has brought us together as allies facing a challenge together.

Who knows what 2011 will bring?  Perhaps we’ll get pregnant.  Perhaps we won’t.  This time next year we might have a baby, or a bump in my belly, or an adoption application being processed.  There is no way of knowing at this point.  How could there be?  But I have to say that I know for sure what I will wish for when I blow out my birthday candles in January.  The monomaniac in me is definitely not ready to give up.

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