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What Next

February 4, 2011
by

Aunt Flo arrived yesterday.  I don’t think I have to say how much that pisses me off / depresses me / disappoints me.   I was a bit numb yesterday but today I feel like shit.

I could rant and moan but it’s the same old song.  It’s not fair, why me, yadda yadda.  It’s just not happening for us, it seems.  I try to keep faith that it will eventually.  I’m afraid of going to an RE and spending a fortune only to face more disappointment.  I’m afraid of IVF.  I’m afraid of seriously considering a sperm donor or adoption.   I’m afraid of everything.

I am thinking about trying to back off for a while.  Maybe look into acupuncture.  Try to reduce my stress level.  I realized my skin has been getting worse and worse, and I thought it was because I’m not on birth control anymore but realistically my skin didn’t start getting bad until we were about 8 months in to trying.  So I think it’s the stress.  I’ve also been eating way too many sweets.  I think all this stress is definitely not helping things.

So what do we do?  Do we take a break from trying (only I know I won’t be able to do that – even if I stop temping and charting I’ll still be examining my CM and attacking my husband when I think it’s the right time of the month)?  Do I start doing yoga again?  Do I go for acupuncture and massages and just try to “relax”?

Those are all rhetorical questions.  I know there are no answers at this point.  Right now it just hurts.  A lot.  And I feel empty.

And irony of ironies, right after I typed that last sentence my neighbor’s baby started to cry.  Knife. in. heart.

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