Aunt Flo arrived yesterday. I don’t think I have to say how much that pisses me off / depresses me / disappoints me. I was a bit numb yesterday but today I feel like shit.
I could rant and moan but it’s the same old song. It’s not fair, why me, yadda yadda. It’s just not happening for us, it seems. I try to keep faith that it will eventually. I’m afraid of going to an RE and spending a fortune only to face more disappointment. I’m afraid of IVF. I’m afraid of seriously considering a sperm donor or adoption. I’m afraid of everything.
I am thinking about trying to back off for a while. Maybe look into acupuncture. Try to reduce my stress level. I realized my skin has been getting worse and worse, and I thought it was because I’m not on birth control anymore but realistically my skin didn’t start getting bad until we were about 8 months in to trying. So I think it’s the stress. I’ve also been eating way too many sweets. I think all this stress is definitely not helping things.
So what do we do? Do we take a break from trying (only I know I won’t be able to do that – even if I stop temping and charting I’ll still be examining my CM and attacking my husband when I think it’s the right time of the month)? Do I start doing yoga again? Do I go for acupuncture and massages and just try to “relax”?
Those are all rhetorical questions. I know there are no answers at this point. Right now it just hurts. A lot. And I feel empty.
And irony of ironies, right after I typed that last sentence my neighbor’s baby started to cry. Knife. in. heart.