When this cycle began, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. My ob-gyn recommended an RE, who I promptly determined was not covered by my insurance (not even for a simple office visit). I hummed and hawed. I talked to my husband, and in the end we decided to Take Some Time Off.
I won’t go so far as to say we’re not trying anymore. We certainly are. But for an as-yet-undetermined amount of time, we are not going to let TTC take over our lives. I was a big fat ball of stress and nerves and anxiety over this whole ordeal, and I knew it wasn’t helping our marriage, let alone the actual conception of a child. So this cycle is all about having a new attitude.
The most important part of this new attitude, in fact, is to stop thinking, talking, blogging, and tweeting about TTC all the frickin time. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t still cross my mind on a daily basis – it does. And I get constant reminders, from new prego announcements on facebook, cute babies or pregnant bellies on the street. But I am not letting it utterly consume me the way it was before. I am trying to focus on the here and now, and not on what I want to happen nine months from now.
So far, I’ve been doing a pretty good job. Today is cycle day 12 (and I actually just had to look that up, which shows you that I am true to my word), I am still temping and paying vague attention to my CM, but that’s it. I’m not doing OPK’s this cycle. I’m not ready to meet with an RE yet. I’m not obsessing. I’m really not. And I was starting to enjoy my day-to-day life again. Thinking more about what I want to cook for dinner and what groceries I need to buy instead of calculating potential due dates. Inviting friends over for dinner parties and brunches. Visiting family members. Exercising. Playing with our cats. Playing with my husband.
And I have to say it was working. I was in a better mood. My skin was getting better, I was enjoying the effects of my regular exercise on my figure. And then my husband had to go and get a horrible flu that ruined what was meant to be our relaxing valentine’s weekend. I don’t blame him, of course. But taking care of the person you love more than life itself when he is virtually helpless, shivering with a 103 degree fever and coughing all over you, is not exactly a mood-booster.
I realize I sound completely selfish. My first concern, of course, is for his health. I want him to get better more than anything in the world. I also would have liked to have a romantic valentine’s day together, though. And the steak I had planned to cook tonight is now in the freezer. No sexy lingerie will be worn (I suppose it still could be worn, but it most definitely wouldn’t have any effect on my poor sick husband right now except perhaps to frustrate him). The dinner reservations we had for Sunday night had to be cancelled.
Whatever. It’s valentine’s day, not even a real holiday, and not a day we usually do anything for. I usually spend the day wondering if he’ll get me flowers or surprise me with anything, even a sweet card – sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn’t. Well this year he most certainly didn’t because he was lying on our couch feeling miserable. I went into work for a few hours to get some things to bring home, and now I’m back here looking after him. He is slowly improving, I think, which is good. But we are going to go to his doctor this afternoon and make sure it’s not something worse than a flu.
And as soon as he gets better, I can go back to focusing on improving my own attitude. I was making such progress, it’s a shame it got halted this way. But I guess at least I was stressing over something other than TTC. There is that.