I am in a funk. I don’t know what else to call it. I don’t want to give it the satisfaction of the title “depression.” I have tried to write it off as a physical thing – maybe I’m getting sick, maybe I have some kind of allergy, maybe maybe maybe. Or maybe? Maybe I’m just bummed. Maybe I’m worn out from 15 months of wishing and hoping and actively seeking. Maybe I’ve earned the right to be a little introspective, self-centered even.
The fact is, I feel like I should be optimistic. I finally took the plunge and found a reproductive endocrinologist, made the call, made the appointment. It’s still a couple of weeks away, which means we’re on our own for this cycle, and that’s fine. But we’re going to be getting professional help before long. And I feel like I should be relieved. Excited, even. One way or another, hopefully this guy will be able to give us some answers and help us come up with a New Plan.
Instead, I just feel like crawling into bed and eating a lot of chocolate. I’ve tried to find ways to distract myself. I’ve given myself little projects. I’ve thrown myself headfirst into my exercise regimen (which is going great, by the way). I’ve started daydreaming about the vacation that my husband has been promising me we’ll take for the past several years.
But it just doesn’t feel right. *I* don’t feel right. The past several days I’ve felt down in the dumps. I’m tired all the time, my stomach is out of whack, I have headaches. I don’t feel like talking to people. And when I do talk to people, I somehow feel insulted or personally attacked by everything they say, even when I know I should know better. So I try isolating myself, but then I feel alone. And not in a good way. Basically, I feel how I felt a few months ago, before my “new attitude.”
I think I may have exhausted my reserves of optimism last cycle. When they didn’t lead to a baby, I lost the will to keep it up. I feel like crap. And that’s no way to feel. I guess I just need to suck it up, accept that I’m in a bit of a blue period right now and know that it will pass.
Sorry to be such a downer. Sometimes you just need to get it out, you know? I’ll try to cheer up, I promise. Just give me a few more hours to feel sorry for myself, and to be jealous of the bajillion women I know who are pregnant right now.