At least I didn’t waste any pee sticks.

I had my blood drawn this morning at 14 dpiui to find out whether i was pregnant.  A few minutes ago I got the call.  I am not pregnant.

The stupid progesterone suppositories were giving me more and more symptoms as time went by, to the point where I was truly starting to wonder if they were pregnancy symptoms.  I should have known better.  I *did* know better, but I decided to let myself get carried away.  Just a little bit.

Should I focus on the positive?  Now I can eat brie and drink wine and have a hot dog and do a strenuous workout and clean the cat box (is that a positive? not really) and go for sushi and do whatever risky irresponsible things I like.  But I’ve been ready to give up all those things for 16 months now.  I will give them up a thousand times.  Fuck, I’d go vegan if it meant I could get pregnant.  And that means a lot, because I really genuinely love cheese.

I was so good this 2ww, though.  I didn’t drink at all, I didn’t eat anything on the no-no list.  I avoided hard workouts and most of all I DIDN’T PEE ON A STICK.  Tempting though it was.  I didn’t want to have a false positive from the hcg shot, so I stayed away.  Even though there are a couple of lovely digitals in my closet I didn’t even pick up the boxes.  I waited for the blood test.  And sure enough – no baby.  Again.

So now I’m supposed to stop taking the progesterone and wait for AF to come back.  I don’t know how long that is going to take, but it will determine when we can start up another IUI cycle.  We are going out of the country at the end of June so that will be a factor too.

And that is that.  I’m pissed.  I’m sad.  I’m bitter.  I’m everything all at once.  But I am most definitely not pregnant.

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