Hurry up and wait.
I have to say it folks: there’s been a lot going down around these parts. Some of it good. A lot of it bad. And it’s enough to just wear a person out.
Or a couple of persons.
Namely Laura and Jen.
You know how they say everything goes in phases? Well it feels like the world has started to descend into one of those crap phases and try as I might to dig my heels in and make it all stop, I haven’t found the brakes on this hooptie of a ride.
If you read this blog with any regularity then I’m sure you’ll share the heartache that our beloved Laura has been enduring the last couple of days. She’ll get through this. I’ve known her for a lot of years now and I know she’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. But she’s hurting. There’s nothing that will make it less but time.
As for me, work has been getting me down in a way that it hasn’t in a long LONG while. Just when I felt like I was on top of it all, I should have known that the shit would hit the fan in some fashion. I feel the stress at the back of my throat and lodged in my sternum and it’s an all too familiar sensation that I’d rather forget.
It’s all enough to make me wish there was a fast-forward button for life. Can we just skip this shit part and move on to the good stuff again?
Gus is nearly completely weaned. His interest in nursing has been non-existent. He hasn’t nursed or asked to nurse since Saturday. Last night Masa even put him to bed. This makes me happy because I’ve been worried about when I work late and Masa’s got to do it. But then, being there but not being there, well, it made me sad. I get so little time with my baby boy (who is not a baby anymore). And I don’t just mean because I work full-time, though for sure that too. I mean because time goes So. Fucking. Fast. and all too soon my baby boy will be grown and gone and these sweet days of cuddles and firsts will be behind us.
So far behind us we will have trouble recalling what happened when. I know. It’s already happening.
It’s all enough to make me wish I had a pause button too. I don’t want to keep him little forever. But it’s slipping through my fingers with a speed that makes me dizzy. I have a few more substantive posts in me but I wanted to just take a moment to recognize this paradox of wishing life and time and … everything… would just hurry up and wait.