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The Power of Will

October 24, 2011
by

Alright friends, it’s true. I’ve been absent for going on two months (6 weeks? who knows) and, while I am sure no one has really noticed, I’ve felt this page sitting here giving me the side-eye and weighing me down with yet another thing I’ve been neglecting whilst the rest of my life floods through with the steady calm of an amateur wedding video.

In these days of mounting fatigue, as I hone in on that third trimester of pregnancy, I realize that everything I do is a matter of will. A matter of putting my mind in a different place and just. doing. it.

(sort of like nike but with less running. sadly, a LOT less running.)

Some would say (like the normal me, for instance) that this is no way to live. Simply eyeing a task and moving through until it’s done. And I wonder, am I missing the beauty of my life right now, pushing on this way? I don’t know. And I can’t think about it too much or I end up in a puddle of tears over the prospect of missing this wonderful, magical, never-to-be-repeated time of my life. From pregnancy to Gus’ toddlerhood to my relative youth, these are days to which I’ll never return. Part of me grieves this fact. Part of me looks to a time five years from now when we can all rest easier (hopefully in a bigger house!)

Alas, it is what it is, I’m afraid. I’ve come to a point when this is all I can do. So I do. and I take a lot of video.

My will is strong, but it’s being tested constantly. Each new task like a mountain to climb. Each challenge I face takes a little more of my vitality, it seems, and leaves me more and more just a drone going through the motions.

And so, when I saw the box full of delectible donuts (a frequent craving of mine) sitting out at work this morning, not even a week after being told to “maybe watch the carbs a bit” by my doctor (due to a somewhat alarming weight gain in the last month) is it any wonder that I wanted to kick the kind provider of said treats in the mothertrucking shins? no. I think not.

Another day. Another mountain to climb. It’s all just part of the package.

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