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The Beginning of the End

January 7, 2012
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Well folks, the end is near. I’m not just talking about 2012 either, though I have a feeling there will be several points in the coming 12 months that I might honestly believe are the start of the apocalypse. But aside from all that, yesterday marked the end of my 37th week in this pregnancy and the ultimate milestone – Full Term. Should this baby decide the time is nigh, there is nothing that the medical world will do to slow or stop his grand entrance.

In essence, according to the doctors, this boy is ready.

The same, however, can’t really be said for his mother. I’m whispering to this little ball of energy to go ahead and take his time, snuggle down all cozy-like for another month if he wants to. We’ll have so much time for the world when he gets here, and these last few days are precious for so many reasons. There is so much I’m trying desperately to soak up right now before our lives change forever. Again.

For one, there’s Gus. There are our bedtime stories and morning pancakes and silly games that make us both belly laugh. And I worry that I won’t have the energy or the time to do quite so much with him – especially with *just* him – ever again. We’ll have our special days and our silly traditions, I’m sure, but I know that these are my last days of being able to focus so much solely on that amazing little boy and it makes me a little sad for both of us. Of course, I know that we will both soon have another person in our family to love and cherish and have silly games with. And THAT makes me excited, don’t get me wrong. I reserve the right to be both excited and sad. Isn’t that always the way with beginnings and endings?

And speaking of endings, I’m also trying to soak in these last moments of pregnancy itself. I don’t think I’ll ever be here again. When I feel nudges and flips inside my body, it really *will* just be gas bubbles. And it’s so strange knowing that in a month’s time, this entire part of my life – the carrying of another human who is too small to carry himself – will be over forever. This beautiful round belly will be deflated and shrink. And as tired as I get of being pregnant sometimes, that fact is always in the back of my mind. And it kind of hurts my heart. I worry that I’m going to be a wreck each time this child reaches a milestone because you know? they’re all telling the truth when they say that it just goes. so. fast.

But the fact that it all goes by with lightning speed doesn’t mean I’m not also terrified of the months to come that will seem interminable. So that’s another reason why mama just isn’t ready for this yet. As hard as pregnancy can be. As much as I want to scream at the thought of chewing another Tums or having to re-tie my shoes, I know that the part that’s yet to come is so incredibly much harder that I’ll wish for these days. I find myself jealous of anything Masa does without me, because I know how rare our time together is already, and how much more scarce it’s about to become. I become even *more* of a ragey bitch when woken up unnecessarily (and that’s saying something because being woken up is guaranteed to always make me a ragey bitch) because I know that even though I can’t save it up, I’ll need the memory of sleep to hold on to.

Well.

After all that sad-sackedness I suppose I should probably also mention how excited I am to meet this new baby and how much I’m looking forward to completing our family and watching our boys grow. If I wasn’t so completely in love with my little boy and my husband, the baby we have yet to meet, and the life we have together, I guess I wouldn’t be a blubbering wreck right now contemplating how quickly it all goes by. I need to post about Gus soon because he is just. too. much. He’s silly and fun, but also loving and sensitive. He’s challenging, but he’s two and that’s to be expected. I think the thing that makes me look forward to this new baby so much is how much joy Gus brings us every day.

Despite being ginormous, I’ve been feeling pretty good, physically, all things considered. New Year’s Day found us all hiking and even running around kicking the soccer ball. The weather has been so unbelievably beautiful and on Thursday I treated myself to an hour-long walk along the beach in the sunshine. It was just what I needed. Somehow I need to settle my soul a bit, because ready or not, this boy isn’t going to keep a-cookin’ forever.

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