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I Know I Sound Desperate

November 26, 2010

As this particular two week wait draws to a close, I feel even more than usual that I am at the top of a rollercoaster, waiting for the big drop.   I’ve put a lot of stock in this cycle, emotionally and financially.  It just feels like there is so much more at stake.

I can’t be 100% sure that we timed the IUI correctly.  And even if we did, obviously there are no guarantees that it will work.  But I’m letting myself get carried away as usual, calculating not only what my due date would be (approximately August 12) but also the date that I could tell people (end of January).    Every time we try to get pregnant, and by “we” I mean all of us collectively, not just my husband and me, we really take a big gamble.  And sure, there’s not a lot at stake most of the time, other than potential disappointment.  But as you get further and further into the trying – let’s say 11 months, off the top of my head – it feels like SO MUCH is at stake.  Especially when you’re trying New Things and Plans, like Clomid and IUI’s.

I’ve been trying to put things in perspective a bit.  I don’t want to let myself plummet into feelings of helplessness if this cycle doesn’t pan out.  But of course it feels like it means so much more.  And the fact that we spent a pretty penny trying to help things along is not without significance.  It kind of feels like we’re running out of other options, though I know there are things we haven’t tried.

I know I should spend this Thanksgiving holiday weekend being grateful for what I have, and not coveting the thing that I don’t.  And yesterday I sat with a segment of my family and enjoyed an incredible meal – funny stories were shared, lots of compliments on cooking prowess were exchanged.  I wasn’t thinking about what may or may not be happening in my uterus.  At least not the *entire* time.   I’m not a complete monomaniac, but I do have a hard time putting it out of my mind for very long.

I guess what I’m trying to say is yes, I will fully admit that I will be crushed if this cycle doesn’t work.  And there are still a few more days until I find out.  So for whatever it’s worth, let’s all think good thoughts and hope for wonderful things, okay?  I definitely will.  And I can use all the support I can get right now.  I promise to make it up to you, somehow.

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