Impossible Goals

I really wanted my first post of 2011 to be filled with sunshine and rainbows, but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen, so I’ll try to keep this brief.

You see, years that end in “1” are always significant to me.  They are the years in which I reach decade ages.  As in, I was born in 1981.  So in 1991 I turned 10, 2001 I turned 20, and 2011 I will be turning 30.   When we first started trying to conceive in January of 2010, I thought great, we’re giving ourselves plenty of time so that I can be pregnant before I turn 30.   Arbitrary, perhaps, and in retrospect not a very fair deadline to set on myself.  But of course I didn’t foresee male factor infertility or my body’s own weirdnesses, and I thought a year was plenty of time to allow ourselves to get pregnant.

In fact I envisioned myself being hugely pregnant when we rung in the new year in 2011.  I wasn’t sure if I’d even get to have a 30th birthday party because perhaps I’d be due to give birth at any moment, or have a tiny baby in my arms already and be suffering (ha! I’d give anything….) from sleep deprivation.

Well, my last hope to reach this goal has pretty much dissipated.  No, Aunt Flo hasn’t officially made her appearance yet, but today I am 14 dpo and my temperature was down significantly.  And I know what you’ll say, you’ll say one temperature doesn’t mean anything.  But thinking the same thing myself, I took another pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.

I suppose I could continue to hold out hope, and part of me still will until I actually literally see red.  But deep down I know my body well enough after 12 months of torture and I know that this morning’s temperature means this cycle was a bust.   Which means I will turn 30 in ten days and I will not be pregnant.  At this point it is an impossible goal to attain, so I guess I should let the pressure off and just go with the flow (gah, unfortunate choice of words).

This cycle that hasn’t officially started yet, we’ll try for IUI # 2.  Maybe we’ll get lucky.  Yes, lucky.  Because at this point the only controlling factor  seems to be luck.  I get it, nature.  I set a deadline and you weren’t going to play along.  Fair enough.

I’m sorry to be a downer on new year’s day.   I’ll try to write something more fun and new-year-ish in the next few days.  Jen will be back from her voyage to Canada soon and then maybe she can help cheer things up around here.  The most positivity I can muster at the moment is to say that for those of us who are struggling with infertility, whether explained or unexplained, male or female or both, here’s my sincere wish for 2011: that every last one of us gets our BFP some time before the year is through.

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